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You were designed to be brave

It was one of those nights your mind won’t stop running. Past memories, potential futures. You toss and turn trying to find a comfortable position that will quiet your restless mind just enough for you to fall asleep.

I was focusing on my breathing and began drifting asleep. Overwhelming feelings came as I saw myself get into my car. I began driving, knowing exactly where I was going. I looked to my left as I passed my old job, the supermarket I used to shop at, quiet small town shops. I kept driving until I hit Main Street. I turned left and pulled up to her house.

I got out of the car, quietly closed my door. I opened the back fence and gave those two dogs the biggest hugs. I closed the gate on my way out and made my way down the steps to the door. I pushed open the slightly cracked door and let myself in. Dishes filled the sink, clothes pooled in the small laundry room that connected with the kitchen. It’s late, almost 2:00 in the morning. I hear music in the other room and open the dog gate to go in. I saw a group of people laughing and talking and backed away but realized they couldn’t see me. 

I walked into the room looking for someone but she wasn’t there. I began down the hall and gazed in the empty spare bedroom as I heard faint crying in the room behind me. I turned around knowing I had found her. 

I gently opened the door and walked over the piles of clothes on the ground and sat beside her on the bed. She sat up and stared at me. She moved back a little and looked down at her hands with tears falling down her cheeks. “I’m so scared,” she says. I wrapped my arms around her and she cried for what seemed like hours.

There was so much I wanted to tell her, so much I wanted to say. But through the tears welling in my eyes I softly said “I know”, and hugged her a little tighter. She told me how hard it was for her to get up every morning, how lonely she felt. She looked back up at me trying to contain her emotions and asked “Why doesn’t he want me anymore? No matter how hard I try I feel like I can’t do anything right. I don’t feel beautiful, I don’t feel wanted, I don’t feel lovable. I feel broken and all that I want is to feel loved. I just want to be good enough.” Her voice cracks as she pauses and says “I just want him to want me again. I love him so much”. She looks back down at her hands as I hold them in mine.

We cried and laughed together as she asked me questions and I began to tell her about the life that was waiting for her, the amazing people waiting to love her exactly for who she is. A faint smile fades as she says, “It’s just so hard” she sighs, visibly depleted. I wrap my arms around her, wiping the tears from my eyes knowing it’s time for me to go. She holds tighter as I begin to pull away. “Please don’t leave” she pleads. “I’ll be with you every step, I promise,” I assure her. I hand her a slip of paper and walk out of that room with a heavy heart. 

“You were designed to be brave,” the paper read.

I let myself out, said goodbye to the dogs and began pulling out of the driveway. I look up and see her walking towards my car with the paper in hand. “I’ll see you soon” she says waving me goodbye.

Only it wasn’t a goodbye. I’ve always been right there with her and she’s been right there with me, cheering me on. Who knew you could be your biggest cheerleader?

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