Alone and Liberated

Being alone

Let’s talk about it

We all like being alone at times, some more than others. It can be more comfortable than going out and socializing for four hours. You don’t have to entertain anyone other than yourself. You don’t need to put on a face or show enthusiasm. You don’t need a social battery. You don’t need to impress anyone. 

The only person you are worried about then and there is you

I saw a comment on a video that said “I had a friend that never wanted to be alone with his thoughts so he always had music playing, one night he forgot headphones and sprinted the entire way home.” I laughed when I read this and realized just how real this is. Being in your head can be so draining. Your mind is such an incredible thing. But it is often the reason for those anxiety ridden thoughts. The thoughts that can send you into a spiral that will leave you feeling worse or simply depressed.

I was sitting in therapy about a year and a half ago, telling him how I was stuck in this cycle. I would get really anxious for a day or two, sometimes longer. Then I would start feeling depressed.

Another week would go by, same cycle. He told me that my body was depressing itself to protect it from the effects the anxiety was having on my body. It made me a little emotional thinking about how this was affecting not only my mental health but my physical health. 

What was I supposed to do!? I was at war in my mind constantly and when I was out with friends or on a date I would get triggered or dissociate. It was the hardest two years of my life. When it got good I would tell myself it would never last. So it didn’t. It was almost more uncomfortable and scary being happy and feeling at peace.

I was holding onto those moments

I knew that someday the joy and peace I got glimpses of would be my reality. I was hopeful but I was so scared it would never get better.

I got to work. I started noticing when I was feeling triggered or anxious, was it something someone did or said? Was it a song that played or a picture from the past?

I sat with it. I processed it. I learned from it. I let it go.

This was my new cycle

No more reaching out to people who had hurt me, no more justifying actions because I just wanted to feel loved from someone else. It was time to give myself everything I wanted. 

It was time to give myself that love I was so desperate for. 

That meant sitting in the uncomfortable. Really feeling it, asking your body what it is trying to tell you. Not being upset at yourself for being anxious or sad, loving yourself enough to figure out what is making you feel like this. There is a reason behind every emotion. I was trying to be grateful that my body wanted me to work through these feelings and thoughts so that I could heal the wounds I’ve ignored for so long.

I started journaling a lot more. When I would try to meditate, my mind would simply not stop running, I needed to release some of these thoughts to make room for peace. I started having compassion for myself like I would for any friend in my life. 

Constantly reassuring myself that I would ALWAYS have her back.

When things got hard or messy, I would show up. When she felt like a failure, I would show up. When she was heartbroken, I would show up. When she would lash out because of her hurt, it did not matter, I would show up.

Sometimes that meant a good cry and doordashing food other times it was going for a walk or belting angry music

Because that’s all she ever needed, someone to show up and show her that she is still worthy. She is always worthy of love. She is still worthy of a life full of peace and joy. She is still and will forever be enough. Instead of desperately searching for someone to constantly tell her that, she started giving it to herself.

That’s when everything changed

”He doesn’t want me”

So many others who deserve you, DO

”They aren’t texting me anymore”

I can put that energy towards things that build me up!

”I feel like they are annoyed with me”

Who cares?? You are not a burden. Be a good person and don’t apologize for being you. 

”What can I do to make them want me?”

How can you love yourself more?

”Why don’t they want me?”

Why would you want someone who didn’t want you and all the amazing things you have to offer? 

”If I could just be more chill about things they would probably want to hang out more”

Be confident in who you are. You are not too sensitive. You are not too much. 

”I am just not pretty enough for them to want me”

You are beautiful and not everyone will see that!

I see you, I understand how that would be so hard to feel like that. But, so what? He doesn’t want you? Girl there are so many other people that will simply not make you feel like that. 

Your life is not meant to be lived dictated by others. Only doing or being things other people want. What an exhausting way to live your life. Fighting who you are and missing out on all the people who love you exactly for who that is to be someone you don’t even WANT to be for someone who doesn’t even want the real you.

Do not dull your personality, do not apologize for being who you are. Be so confident in who YOU are that it makes others want to do the same. 

We’re human, we have a desire and need for relationships. It’s completely normal and good to want relationships! I’m here to tell you that the ones that are meant to be in your life will love you for who you are. No masks, no bullish!t, simply for who you are.

Once you realize what you deserve, you start attracting that right back to you. This time fueled by confidence from within and a love for yourself that nobody can diminish. 

“Don’t waste your time chasing butterflies, mend your garden and the butterflies will come” -Mario Quintana

I can confidently say I love where I am. I have spent the last few years mending that garden. Every day I am doing things to help it flourish and grow. I stopped neglecting my garden to chase the “butterflies” I thought I wanted. 

I have everything I will ever need within me

I do not add something or someone into my life unless it genuinely enhances it.

The bar is no longer on the floor;) I know what I want and most importantly i’m happy in the waiting!

No more thoughts that included phrases like “Once I get a boyfriend I’ll be happy” or “Once I make more friends I’ll believe i’m fun”

Doing the internal work drastically changes the external

“The basis of a really good relationship is two people who are already feeling very good about who they individually are. Then when they come together, they are a couple who feels good.”

When you find what you need within yourself, you are free

Liberated

Free to be and do whatever the hell you want! Unapologetically!

You can get there. You can do quite literally anything. But it all starts somewhere, where you are at now. Don’t push yourself more than you can bear. Reach out when you need help. 

Remember that you can give yourself everything you need

YOU can be your own best friend

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